Pride & Prejudice: The Gratuitous Sex and Violence Edition

P&P: GSV

Highlights From the Upcoming Film “Pride and Prejudice:  The Gratuitous Sex and Violence Edition”

It is a well known truth that a single man of good fortune is always in need of a girl on a horse, a gun, and a good stiff drink.  The Bennett family certainly subscribed to the notion as they buzzed excitedly over the coming of one Mr. Bingley with five thousand a year into the neighborhood…

The carriages all crashed along at alarming speeds, chasing each other to the ball, gratuitously.  The occupants descended dizzily and tromped into the mosh pit intent on getting sloshed.  When Darcy refused to slam dance with Lizzie, Mrs. Bennett plucked a dagger from her peplum and told him he’d better if he knew what was good for him.  He eyed her, picturing her head exploding as she ate a grenade-laced pastry, but instead pulled a crossbow from his waistcoat and shot an arrow with a line attached through a convenient skylight and ascended, gratuitously, as the townsfolk watched in amazement.  A circling helicopter lowered a rope ladder and Darcy faded into the night.  In the meantime, Jane and Mr. Bingley were getting acquainted in a grove behind the dance hall.

Mr. Bingley: I find genteel poverty attractive.

Jane: Oh, Mr. Bingley!

Mr. B: Oh, Miss Bennett! (They embrace and fall to the ground , gratuitously.)…

Lizzie first met Wickham when he was on horseback.  As he smiled down at her, she knew he could at best be only forward, and at worst, wicked.  He smiled with his teeth.  “Miss Bennett,” he said, “I find spunky heroines attra-“ but a runaway carriage crashed between them.  Wickham chase it, and coming even, jumped to the unoccupied driver’s seat, grabbed the reins and pulled the horses to a halt just shy of a cliff.  Looking back he saw that Lizzie was gone, and realizing he had missed his opportunity, searched in frustration until he found a nearby pumpkin, which he skewered with his bayonet, gratuitously…

Lizzie had barely fallen to sleep when she felt a sudden heavy hand stopping her breath.  Her eyes flew open in alarm to see Mr. Collins standing over her, a gratuitous knife glinting in the moonlight.  “You passed me by like a dog with a bad case of dandruff, “ he snarled, “but I let you go.  Now you’be refused to acknowledge the new shelves I installed in the closet.  A man can only take so much.  Pack your bags and run.  Hope I don’t try to catch you.”…

As she ran through the tangle of forest, the undergrowth mercilessly (gratuitously?) scratching her feet, Lizzie’s tears so blinded her that she didn't see the two riders galloping through in the midst of a furious chase.  Darcy reigned in his horse, pulled Lizzie into the saddle, and spurred his horse on, gratuitously.  “You look like you've just been accused of passing a man over like a dog with a bad case of dandruff and thrown out of his house in the middle of the night,” he said.  “Yes,” said Lizzie breathlessly.  “I’m chasing Wickham, your would-be boyfriend who tried to embrace and fall gratuitously to the floor with my sister last year because she’s loaded, and appears to recently have done some gratuitous falling with your sister just because it’s fun.  He also stole two sheep.”  “No!” Lizzie said breathlessly.  Darcy’s horse overtook Wickham’s.  Darcy leapt across, throwing Wickham from the horse to the ground. Darcy was hurt in the fall.  Wickham rose up over him with a pistol.  Just as he cocked it to fire, Lizzie did one of those martial-art-jump-in-the-air-in-a-freeze-frame-while-the-camera-rotates-and-then-kick things, and knocked Wickham out.  “Jerk,” she said.  Darcy stood up, bleeding gratuitously.

Mr. Darcy:  I find a monosyllabic woman with a mastery of hand-to-hand combat attractive.

Lizzie:  ‘K!

Mr. Darcy: Lizzie! (They embrace and fall to the ground, gratuitously.)…

Mr. Collins, hearing the commotion, left his house to see what was going on.  He found Wickham on the ground moaning in agony.

Mr. Collins:  I find moaning attractive.

Wickham: Uumph!

Mr. Collins:  Wickham! (He falls to the ground-where Wickham already is-embracing him gratuitously.)…

Sweaty hours later, Darcy and Lizzie watched the sunrise, panting.  The stolen sheep gamboled gratuitously across the lawn.

Sheep 1:  Baa baa baa, baa baa baattractive.

Sheep 2:  Baa, baa!

Sheep 1: Baa, baa! (They nuzzle and sort of fall over, gratuitously.)

Then a speeding carriage chase happened through and everyone had mutton for dinner.

The Gratuitous End